The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
