I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
