Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
