did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
