i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
