yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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