u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
