I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
