And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
