she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
