those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
