it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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