I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
