I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
