If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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