if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
