Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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