we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
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If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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