oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
