Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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