Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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