Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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