nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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