Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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