There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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