Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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