nut hugger
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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