My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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