Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
