I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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