that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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