Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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