she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
