He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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