Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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