I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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