Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
