I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
