oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
