My friends, they love my intelligence
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
