I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
