A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
