Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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