i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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