So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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