I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
