I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
