u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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