My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
