my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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