I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
