Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
