$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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