Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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