Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
