shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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