then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
