My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
