lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
