i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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