I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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