don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
