Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
