Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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