6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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