I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
