I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
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I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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