When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
